Inertia

Superhero and famed philosopher, The Tick, is fondly remembered for punctuating his falls with, "Gravity is a harsh mistress." (If you don't know who The Tick is, do us both a favor and don't tell me. Just slink away and use google to correct the horrendous gaps in your education. Don't make me lose all faith in you or give me reason to mock you with the lazer like intensity of a thousand suns. Feel the shame. Fix it in private.)

He's right. While I have no fear of heights, I have great fear of depths and falling to them. Mostly the landing part. But there is something worse than gravity, a force more destructive by far. Inertia.

And I am intertia's bitch.

I have become so adept at the subtle art of holding still that even leaning forward seems an act of supreme courage. It's pathetic. My husband wants to buy me a new house. A new house. Yay. And for those of you who haven't seen my current house, let me explain that crap-tastic does not even begin to describe it. It was a crap job when it was built in 1920. Seriously. I can't use the Crock pot and the microwave at the same time because the electrical service shuts down and the breaker sits there openly weeping at the strain. The plumbing was obviously constructed on a dare and there is 1 window on each floor that opens. Also there are sample strips of orange shag carpet covering the walls on the way down the stairs, you can see daylight under all the exterior doors, and I am pretty sure that the circa 1967 monster antennae is actually holding up part of the roof.

I hate this house. We bought the house for the development potential of the property. The potential for the property is great. So is the potential that this craptastic house will end up being featured in a tragic news story after it blows up/ falls down/ or gets flooded for biullionth time.

Jeff wants to get me a house with a 220 electrical service. Wow. And hardwood floors. And plumbing that can handle a dishwasher. He's getting crazy. He's talking about a house air purification system and double pane windows. Shocking.

I do not want to talk about a new house. I actually probably need one. It does occur to me that this house might be less than ideal for someone with respiratory problems. I get that. Also my kids really need more room and I am willing to dream of a world where all bathrooms have sinks that work. But I do not want to talk about a new house.

Because getting there from here takes moving forward and I am holding perfectly still. And eating a brownie. And watching The Tick. While inertia chokes the life out of me.